Sunday, January 11, 2015

januar 11, 2015


It was really nice to see a small loss since my first weigh in of the year.  Since I did a weigh in on the 1st which was a Thursday, I skipped getting on a scale a mere 3 days later because that would just be silly.

This week was more of a food week than a work out week.  I only went to the Y once and the rest of my working out was the weight work I do at OT 3 times a week.  My food intake was minimal as I still don't have a huge appetite.  It's been coming back a little bit day by day but definitely not what I am used to.  After I was sick through Christmas and the New Year with the head cold from hell with post nasal drip that would rival Niagara and had me coughing to the point of throwing up at night I still haven't been very hungry.

Any whoozle.  A small steady loss like this each week would be such a win over these cold winter months is a total win.  Anything that's not a gain is a win.  Being happy and healthy is the ultimate goal.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

january 1, 2015

As far as feel better goes I think I can finally say that I am getting there.  N and I went on a nice long walk today in Prospect Park and I did some weight work on my new 55cm stability ball.

I really don't know what this coming year is going to be like and I'm not interested in making any "resolutions."  I do know that I am feeling more whole and sound mentally which makes taking care of my body a hell of a lot easier.  This past year has been some of the hardest times of my life to date.  Way harder than any battle I ever fought with myself when I first began losing weight.  I also don't believe at all that this go round will be any easier.  All I know is that it feels like the fog is starting to lift and that I feel quite a bit more clear headed.

I did get on the scale today and I weighed in at 185.4.  Oddly enough the number did not affect me at all.  I have been dancing around in the mid 180s for the past few months.  I haven't done any really working out for just over a month.  I'd just briefly been going to the Y to start back up slowly when I hurt my back.  While I was treating that I did not work out at all.  Last week I had a hellacious head cold beast that kept me from sleeping and eating too much and my appetite still hasn't leveled out.  I'm pretty thankful for not being about to eat large portions, I'd say that totally works in my favor.

In addition to weighing in I also got some photos and basic measurements.  I want to be really clear that I have no intention of alway and forever retaking these measurements, photos or weighing in.  What I do want to do though is be able to keep track of any progress made.

It was exciting to get these measurements, something solid and tangible to reference.  What was also amazing was the out pouring of love from N as he helped me get them.  He couldn't stop telling me how beautiful I am, holding me and giving small kisses.  Every once and a while I let all of that love in and it is just so wonderful.

Here is to a happier, healthier and fuller year.


Sunday, October 26, 2014


Sometime you just get that feeling like things need to change.  You don't really know what that means  but you can feel that you cannot just keep running in the same cycle over and over again.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

lessons learned

Things I've learned today from my garden:

  • You're seldom too tired to do the things you love.
  • It's better to take a break when you're tired than to do a half ass job that you'll regret later.  
  • Taking care of something other than yourself can give you the space you need to take care of yourself.
  • Patients is key.  Even if things do not go the way you want giving things time to run their course is worth it.

     Two weeks ago I did something I have been saying for ages that I was going to try.  I wanted to infuse vodka.  I was given such a great opportunity with the garden and used fresh mint from my own garden to infuse it.  I packed in a handful of fresh picked and washed leaves and stuck it in a corner where I couldn't see it.  I set a reminder on my phone and waited.  Today the alarm went off and I was so excited to try my mint vodka.  I popped some ice in a glass, strained out the leaves from the bottle and poured some of the vaguely green liquid into my glass.  I took a sip and ::BLERGUH:: that shit was disgusting.  It was worse than I could have ever expected.  Worse than mouth wash.  Oh man.  OK.  Back to the drawing board.  I'm going to do some research and then get back to it, possibly with some basil.  

Sunday, June 22, 2014

the move

I have to say I feel like a total fraud for even coming back and writing one single word.  My life is different now from when I was keeping this blog originally and I don't think I have yet forgiven my self or given myself the permission to write anything, just anything.

My well-being is a different story than it used to be.  I was very driven, very hard core and there was no freedom.  I was happy with my body, so happy with my body but it was a lifestyle I could not maintain.  What I want now is to maintain.  Maintain life. And there is so much more to life than losing weight and working out and watching everything I eat.  What I want now, what I need more now than ever is balance.  I need to not let myself fall into the place where all I can do or think about it working more hours and making more money or working out so much and agonizing over my food that I cannot go out with friends.  Balance.

June 1st I moved.  I moved from an apartment that I'd lived in for 4 years with N, our first home together, the longest I've lived in one place since moving to NYC.  From Boerum Hill to Park Slope.  I moved in with friends.  I acquired roommates, MB & SB, two of the loveliest people that I have had the pleasure of being friends with.  They challenged my way of thinking, that when you're married you live alone and that's that.  I moved in with friends and in the past 22 days, I have had more fun, had fewer bouts of depression and am way less lazy.

One of the largest contributors to this has been all there is to do in our new place.  We have SO MUCH SPACE we have no idea what to do with it all.  We're still getting moved in and working out all of the space.

What I have fallen in love with the most is the outdoor space we have.  There's a garden here.  If I was smart I would have taken a before picture.  It was all over grown and out of control.  It's still like that in some places, but not everywhere.  I've got flowers and edibles.  I'm kind of obsessed.  There is also a bench along the front of our place that I have been refinishing.

It feels so good to throw myself into something besides recovery and work.  I think I'm in a better place mentally lately.  There are still lots of lows that are hard to work out of but my love for the garden and this new place really help occupy my otherwise.


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Wednesday night

Got in a small jog. More like a fast walk. The voices inside were so strong tonight. The you cant's & this hurts and you're fat and heavy and a failure were loud and clear. 

What breaks my heart more and makes me feel worse is the sadness it creates in N. He loves me so much an wants so much for me and I'm just so hateful with myself.