Wednesday, June 20, 2012

blarg! and other nastiness inside my head

     Getting to my work out going today was awful.  Usually before I work out I read the blogs that I follow to get inspired and in the mindset of meeting goals, etc.  
I read my blogs as usual but then I checked Facebook, 9Gag some cheezburger sites and probably Facebook again, I just couldn't get started.  After that I went in to talk to N who was working on his game.  He tried to pep me up but it didn't work.  I came back into the living room to sit and sulk some more when I noticed I didn't like the way one of the frames on my wall looked so I started to paint it.  Yep.  That's right.  I started to varnish a wooden frame on the wall.  N walked into the room and caught me in the act.  After some laughter over the silliness of the situation I really started to cry and break down.  It seems that since I have started working out that this happens more and more frequently.  

     I broke down about no one else noticing the difference in my body, about me not seeing the difference in my body, that I don't really have anyone that I am sharing this experience with (which is just nuts-o because when others offer to participate I say I'd rather do this alone,) that I can't really see myself actually making it to 130lbs, that my left wrist really hurst from all the plank pose workouts and downward dog, that I don't like my body, I still can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror (especially with little or no clothing on) that I feel like I'm not going to loose weight again this week...  I'm sure a thousand more things could have poured out of my head if I had let them but I didn't.  I wanted to work out.  I wanted to work out before it was too late in the night and I wanted to work out because when I am all I can concentrate on it pushing, holding myself up, one more jumping jack, one more crunch...  

     It is not easy business, this whole losing weight thing.  I know that no one said it was.  It is just emotionally tolling as it is physically.  I mean come on, I started to paint a frame rather than deal with all that mess balled up inside of me.  Sometimes it feels like every time I work out I have to let go of some dirty secret that is living inside of me, I have to vomit up all these hateful things I have to say about myself.  Yuck.  My view of myself is just so incredibly rotten I don't even want to be around myself sometimes.  

     As I get stronger physically I find myself wanting to be stronger and healthier emotionally as well.  I let the voices in my head be just that, voices in my head.  They aren't real, just some messy stuff knocking around between my ears.  I know that I can't get rid of it but I can build my muscle around them.  Know myself as strong, capable and more then anything - worth it.  I am worth every moment I strain my body, every piece of candy I turn down, every minute I take just for me, I am so worth it.  And to anyone reading this that has felt the same way, does feel the same way, YOU are worth it.  Every good choice you hate to make, every time you chose yourself and your life and your well being over the instant gratification of cutting out of a work out or having one more slice of pizza, you are so freaking worth it, it hurts.  I love you.  

     I love me too.  



  1. Great post! I think we have all been there, probably more than once. Losing weight is a struggle and it takes a long time before you can physically see the differences. Just remember what you said, you ARE worth it and in the end you will feel so much better. Making good choices really sucks sometimes. You can do this.

    1. It's so true. I haven't been at this that long and I have been there quite a bit already. I am worth it and so are you mama!

  2. We've all been there. Well said, sister.