Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day 149

     I love me some suffering.  I am telling you man, I am the queen of feeling bad about shit and letting it wreck whole days.  I love to make my self feel awful about how I've done things, that I didn't do things I said I would do or that I didn't get stuff on time.  Oh yea.  Love it love it love. it.  I especially love to make my self feel like total ass because while I did do what ever it was that I set out to do I didn't do it "right" or "enough."  IT IS EXHAUSTING.

     Man.  Today I spent a better part of my day saying I'll work out in a hour.  Like for 8 hours I did that.  I also said I was going to apply for ten jobs.  Instead I applied for 1 and bookmarked 4 others on Idealist.  The worst part was that instead of enjoying the others things that I did, browsing Pinterest, cleaning, making chicken soup for N (he's sick! ::thumbs down::) and what not I just felt like shit all day because I hadn't yet worked out or applied for enough work.  Of course that made me want to do less of both.  Eurght!

     We all do this in some way or another, beat the smack out of our selves for really nothing and it's so dumb, you know?  When N and I talked about it today he was (brilliant) like "Look, you said that you'd work out today you didn't. Haven't. So far you haven't.  That's it.  You weren't a bad person you just sat here and did nothing and that's ok."  It's true dude.  Ugh.  He's so good at this. And by this I mean me.  He helped me talk out all the messy blegh going on between my ears that is how he said so politely "Not helpful."  Also true.  Once I got that all out of my system I was good-ish to go.  I did my work out and I really pushed because instead of saying I am going to push though this whole work out I said I am going to push through this section.  Each section is about 1 minute long, totally manageable. I did more work today then I have in a while.  Good deal.  

     All I have to say is that I hope when you are in the middle of all that junk bouncing between your ears about your work out or your eating or anything that you have some one to reach out to the way I reach out to (read: pick a fight with) N.  If you don't, I hope that you'd consider picking a fight with/reaching out to me.  I tell you guys everything, honestly.  I can take what ever you got.  So yea, just know that.  You have been here for me, I am totally here for you irregardless of the subject matter.

     Love you guys so much.  Always, thank you for reading and hello to anyone that might be new!  The offer stands for you too.  xoxo



  1. i have said many times how great N is, and in a lot of different ways. he makes you smile like no one else can. he is there for you what ever happens and never says a bad thing. you are very lucky to have found a best friend, lover, husband like him. i know i am

  2. That's so great that you have a husband so understanding and supportive. Glad he helped you sort through it. I do that too, if I haven't done something or didn't do it the way I wanted to, I beat myself up.

    1. Ugh! we can be so hard on ourselves