Thursday, September 27, 2012

198

     Got in a run tonight.
 It was something new, I jogged a pretty standard route in my neighborhood but I didn't listen to any music.  I had my ear bud in with my music paused but I never started it up.  I eventually took out the bud and just jogged.  It was so great to listen to my foot falls, hear others talking, hear things in the distance.  I felt like I could see and smell more too.  I did have a harder time keeping my head up though.  I know that sounds silly, but I felt almost like I was embarrassed to look up, embarrassed to be just running.  When I run I often feel like I am not a "runner" because I'm slow, I jog (vs running,) I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm slow.  I think you get the idea.   I felt way more confronted without my headphones in.  Almost like other people could actually see me because I wasn't ignoring them any more.  I don't know that I will always run with out music to listen to but I really did enjoy it tonight.  At one point I crossed the street and it smelled so much like fall I smiled and I smiled even more hearing my steady foot falls.  The sweet smell of leaves and the sound of me just running.

     Still feeling in a funk.  Don't really know what about.  I think I am nervous about being hired as actual full time at work.  While I am interested in the paycheck I'm not so thrilled about a future in the basement doing shipping and e-commerce.  I really do want more but I'm scared of failing and scared of being more broke then I am right now.  I'm smart, talented, educated and resourceful but I really don't relate to myself as such.  I think the only kind of job that I can get, am worthy of and keep is like the one I have now.  As a temp in the basement of a not-for-profit.  Yikes.

     Time to get to bed.  Friday tomorrow!  I'm picking up race packets for N and I tomorrow on my lunch break!  I'm $3 away from my next fundraising milestone and $100 away from goal.  If you can donate $1 please do, it makes all the difference  if you cannot or chose not too, thank you so much for thinking about it!  Today I got donations from my Kranpa and my UM (& AC I'm sure) so thank you both so much for those!!

     xoxo  G'night lovelies.

1 comment:

  1. great post ...i relate alot to it and how u feel about ur job and stuff i dont have a job and am looking but i think i am going for lower than what i can do ya know its strange how we put ourselves down we know better but we still cant help it

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