Friday, December 21, 2012

Day 283 - recovery

This week I have been really stopped dead.  
Besides the normal negative stuff that is going on in my head, this week I am injured.  After a great run on Monday night I experienced tightness, swelling and pain in my left knee.  Today I finally went to a doctor and got it looked out.  No damage.  Just strain.  I got a note for work that says I need to take it ways and was also told that I shouldn't work out for the week.  

Even before the doc said I should cool it for the week, I knew that would be the case.  My biggest fear is that I have over done it, for as far as I've come that this is just it for me now.  Not only will I not be able to lose any more weight, I also will gain back what I have already lost because how can I even maintain without exercising?   

Thursday night on my way home from work I was talking to Mo as usual but that night I was a mess.  I had stood all day at work at the register since I had no doctors note.  I was in such pain, my knee was stiff and I felt totally defeated.  It was so hard to walk, to go up & especially down stairs.  Fuck dude, I'm a New Yorker, I walk EVERYWHERE.  I have worked so hard and come so far and that nagging voice in my head keeps whispering that this is it.  Game Over.  That is the hardest thing to combat, the voice, the you that is never on your side.  Thought I have such astonishing results, that voice is always there and always will be.  The real victories come from pushing that voice aside, from hearing them and  moving forward anyway.  I am going to face that more now then I have in the past with this process.  What I had been using as my biggest tool, exercise,  is off the table for at least a week.  Welcome to panic-ville and seize-up town. I have done a little bit of research about what to do to keep from gaining weight while injured.  It is all good advice.  I am just so afraid that it wont work for me.  

Tomorrow I need to work out a plan.  An eating, drinking, recovery plan.  One that includes how much and how often I should eat, any activities that I can do that do not involve my leg (ex. strength training, core work,) rest and recovery.  I am not kidding around with this.  I have big goals and the only way I am going to meet them is if I am tip top shape.  

I'm really nervous about the next few days/weeks.  I have some serious recovery time ahead and accomplishments & goals I don't want to loose sight of.  

I know that I will have gained this week. That is going to push me back into the mid to upper 160s.  I just have to be really prepared for that.  You can say that it "doesn't matter" or that I "will be back at it in no time" but that doesn't change the general fear that I have.  I *know,* like really *know* in my bones that I am going to come out on top of this, but that doesn't mean that I don't also have a defeated mentality.  It's just which I choose to follow.

This morning I exchanged texts with my best friend, V.  She told me that I inspired her to get back in shape and be a healthier mom.  She is already 5% to her goal.  That is so incredible.  She is so incredible.  A better friend then I could ever ask for and definitely a better friend than I deserve.   She let me know that she's pulling for me and that others are too.  Man, that is so easy to forget.  Thank you for reminding me of that V.  LYLAS - always.

Wow, so yea.  Long post.  That's what happens when I go MIA for a few days.  When I freak out like that (like this) I disappear, just totally vanish.  It's a defense mechanism I guess.  Anyway, below is a link to the vlog I did the other day but didn't want to post.  I think you should get an idea of my lows since you know what the highs look like.  

I love you guys and am so excited to take this on.

xoxo

Latest Vlog

3 comments:

  1. So I want to say so much, and I don't know where to begin. First this may sound weird, but Congrats on ur first minor injury. This experience you are about to go through to rehab back will give you so much knowledge for future injuries and friends injuries that reach out to for ur advice as you become an expert in this process. I know that getting injured can give you this imnediate feeling of failure, but after years of training for events and having to deal with new injuries as they arise,I ask that you consider this bump in the road just that. This time will give you the opportunity to get creative with weights and core strengthening. Things we often tend to forget about. Ironically it is those two things that often prevent injuries. When I began training for long runs I injured my shoulder, my marathon, it was my knee, insanity, it was my neck, a half marathon, it was my hip. No, I didn't get hurt every time I trained, the stronger I got in some areas, all that would happen is I would become aware of where my body was lacking in strength, and my rehab simply became a time to work on those weak areas of my body.
    Allowing yourself to heal is such an important part of training I hope you can find a way to embrace it.
    Thank you for the amazing run on Monday, and as I told you that night it was you that pushed me. I look forward to running together again or even walking as you rehab back. Consider me someone you can include in your workout circle.
    Love you.
    Thank you for your consistent inspiration.
    L

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  2. you have come so far dont worry too much about taking a week off
    stay strong youve got this

    hope u feel better soon

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  3. ha totally am understanding what u mean about the you that isnt behind you! I seem to have a team of them in one corner and one very small one in the other. I am really trying to battle it at the moemnt and have come to realise that is is probably the hardest bit of the journey. this is 100% not gae over for you...my advice...and i am no expert but look at it as a vacation...that way you wont panic so much about not workingout. you will just have to be extra careful with food...but you know that...so will acheive it....smile...spin the positive and tell the demons that they can quite frankly F off....

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ps...feel better x

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