Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Day 322

     Tuesday, Tuesday and I still haven't worked out once.
 I feel like I am back exactly where I was like a month ago.  It's been six weeks since I got hurt.  I think I am less upset about that (I'm really only off 1.2 lbs from where I would be) and more about how far off I am from where I should be on my overall plan.  Sunday I should have been at 150 lbs.  

When I started this journey I made a plan, I'll recap for those who haven't been reading since last March.  My plan was simple: my ideal weight is around 130lbs so I made that my goal; that was 74.3 lbs from my starting weight.  I set out to loose 1lb a week.  So every 10 week I made a mark on my calendar every 10lbs/10weeks so I would know that I was on track.  I am 9 pounds off from where I planned to be by this point.  That pushes my goal nine weeks farther away.  That moves my goal from June 16th to August 18th.  That feels so huge to me right now.  Being so far off really breaks my heart. I cannot believe that I let myself get so far gone.  It's all been piddily shit too.  Now that I am sitting here in my apartment with my leg up and my knee swollen I would do anything, anything to be able to run again.  To be able to give it my all like I did in the beginning.  When it was all still new and awesome, before it was hard and crazy and a new way of life.

I cannot believe the way my life has changed in these past ten months.  The way I think is totally different.  I consider things like I never have before.  Eat lighter on lighter workout or no work out days, recover as quickly as possible in order to run again, read and learn as much as possible about nutrition and eating and diets and exercise options, fitting into a size 12 vs a 3x.  

The things that break my heart now are not meeting goals, not achieving more, not finishing a 5k in under a half an hour, not being able to run.  

I don't know what this post is meant to be.  Is it inspiring and uplifting or kind of sad?  I feel both.  I've felt both a lot more since I started taking better care of myself.  

I didn't go to Pilates at the gym today.  Only working out Wednesday - Saturday isn't going to have much of an affect on my weight.  I should be super responsible about my eating for the next few days.  Get in a little activity.  Forgive myself for the weight I haven't lost yet.   Yikes.  Sometimes I feel like a total head case.    

3 comments:

  1. Wow...hold up there missy!!! you are being so incredibly hard on yourself! You have lost a considerable amount of weight...like seriously a huge amount and you are keeping it off! You have totally changed your lifestyle and the way you think. Focus on that instead of where you are "supposed" to be... If it takes 9 weeks more so be it... because actually it will take a life time to make sure it is kept off... you have got an injury...which is not your fault.. so relax and take a breath and look at where you have come from...you are not going to put all the weight back on while you recover... sit back and relax.. you cant run 5k in under 30 mins...think about the time you couldn't even run 1k! Keep it positive!

    xxxx

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  2. I agree with Katherine! 100 %

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