Sunday, June 16, 2013

Day 460 - weigh in

154.8 lbs
-1.2 lbs from last week
49.5 lbs total loss
     Today is June 16, 2013.  March 26, 2012 I announced that my weight loss goal was to get down to 130 lbs, a weight loss total of 74.3 lbs.  At some point I said that I would have lost that weight by today.  While doing some research I also saw that there was an end date of July 7th.  Either way, I will not have made that goal and I have been living my life accordingly, you know?  It's like I knew that I wasn't going to make that goal, I kind of gave up.

     I have 24.8 lbs to go before I reach my weight goal.  If I go by my old plan that's about 25 weeks away from today.  That's a lot of weeks, puts me into December.  That may be a goal I can really get behind, losing the rest of the weight before the end of this year.  

     This is probably the biggest game that I have ever played in my life.  I made a really big promise.  What I know to be true about myself is that I don't normally play big games because I am afraid to fail at them.  I don't apply for big jobs, I don't take big risks, I don't like taking vacations with out plans.  I really do need to have control over everything.  This is also the first big thing that I have followed though on.  Even though I didn't make my goal, I never gave up on the game.  I weighed in every week and reported on it, I considered working out every single day and I make conscious food choices every day.  They may not have always been favorable choices, but they were always conscious.  

     The past few weeks I have really been beating myself up over how things have been going, about the pain and swelling I still experience in my knee, about the weight I haven't lost, about the way my body has started to get soft around the middle again, about the amount of effort I have stopped putting forward and the food choices I have been making.  I was rigorous for months.  I had my slip ups, shortcomings and melt downs but I have really learned so much.  I think it's important to say all these things not for pity but because I haven't been vocal about them, or anything, for a long time.  I miss posting all the time but feel like a failure in that I haven't really had anything to report because I haven't been exercising or eating well.  That's what this blog really became for me.  A place to get it all out of my head and when I let the thought that it wasn't "good" anymore win out I stopped posting and very rapidly began to gain weight back.  Losing weight and being healthy has so much more involved then just eating better and working out.  You have to give up and give over that the noise in your head has any bearing on reality.  Especially when it comes to what you are capable of and who you are as a person.  

     Sometimes I feel like I don't even want to hit my goal any more, I just don't want to put any more weight on.  I've lost sight of all the other things that I want to do to.  Run a marathon, have a baby, teach my kid how to be happy and healthy.  I feel trumped by other things like work enough to make enough money to pay off the mountain of student loan that I have so I can afford a better place to live, afford to have a family and afford to travel and live the life I want to.  What became sad it that living the life I really want to involves running and I still don't know that I can do that.  I'm still a little all over the place when it comes to what I want and how I am going to get there.  

     One thing I can do is start working out again, back to the way it was in the beginning.  30 minutes a day.  That's it.  I need to get back on that horse but for some reason it seems harder to get back on to then it did to get on it in the first place.  I am not going to make any promises now because they would only be coming from a place of I have to do this and not a place of intention.  I need to give up that I know exactly how any of this is going to turn out.  Give up that I can control anything and give up that if I'm not in control that it will go miserably.  That is a scary place for me and not the exciting kind of scary but they type of change I need is big and it needs to begin someplace out side of my comfort zone.  


     Maybe that is a promise I can make that will mean something, because it is something I teater away from so easily.  I want to get uncomfortable.  I grew so much when I was uncomfortable and scared but still moving forward.  I gained so much by freaking myself out, sobbing though workouts, pushing myself past the edges of ledges and haven't gotten a thing by trying to figure out what the right thing to do it, how to have everything go according to plan or make sure that I look good while it's all going on.  It's time to get ugly.  It's time to get uncomfortable again.  

     xoxo

     


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