Sunday, June 30, 2013

Day 474 - weigh in

155.8 lbs
+3 lbs from last week
48.5 lbs total loss
Three whole fucking pounds.  Just too awesome for words. 

I really just fucking hate this.  I hate that I am shocked at the weight I gained.  I started my period this week and didn't work out at all.  What the fuck did I think was going to happen.  

It's all bullshit and I don't want to fucking play any more.  I want to take my goddamned ball and go the fuck home.  I am sick of not caring until it's time to get on the fucking scale.  Clearly I don't give a shit any more and it doesn't matter that I am so fucking close to my goal weight.  I've been a fucktard for months now and I hate it.  I'm really mad.  

Oh whoa is me.   Poor baby can't get out of the stupid funk in her head.  I know it doesn't matter how I feel when I work out, just that I work out.  Well my head actually hurts with how I feel.  I'm mad I didn't hit my goal when I said I was going to.  I am so mad at that.  I'm mad that I haven't been able to keep up the determination and the focus that I had before and I'm mad that I feel like I'm at the beginning again, that I have to start all over again.  I have no stamina or endurance.  

I want to be at my goal, I don't want to get there, I want to just be there.  I want to have taken myself on the stupid trip that I promised I would when I got there.  I want to be ahead of where I am not and I don't want to do any of the shit ass work that it takes to get there.  I know full well what I need to do and that's why I have no damn desire to do it.

I think it's such fucking bullshit that I have to work to keep from gaining weight, that my body's natural state is packing on the fucking pounds and that others don't have to do that.  I think that's shit.  

I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at how things have turned out, that I'm not at goal working to maintain or finding a few other pounds to loose.  I'm mad that I am just like everyone else, I got to a certain point and I just fucking gave up, threw in the towel and called it quits.  I'm mostly mad because I'm always like that.  I don't achieve end goals, I always pick up and haul out before the finish line.  

I'm really thinking that I will always be "overweight" just like one is always an "alcoholic."  It's going to be an every god damned day, one day at a time the rest of my fucking life choice to either pack on the pounds, plateau or loose.  There won't be a point that I'll hit and then just be good, cool, don't have to do that anymore.  That really blows that every day I have to choose to be fat or not be fat, to gain, loose or draw.  Food and exercise are always going to have to be on my mind.  

 I'm angry, exhausted and don't have a plan.  I am not interested in working out with others.  I may want to join a gym but those plans get you by the balls for life.  Yoga is swell and all but I still don't really know.  I see my future being more of the fucking same shit.  Happiness, elation and accomplishment and anger, frustration and cursing just moving right along in a cyclical fashion.  I don't want to hear what others have to say but I want to be snapped out of this but I will decline any offer of support or teaming up, I don't like it.  

Right now I feel like I could come out of my skin and I cannot wait for this to all just pass.


2 comments:

  1. you're outstanding...

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  2. wow...slow own there sweetcheeks...I totally get your frustration but don't be so hard on yourself... you have lost over 40lbs...that IS amazing and the trouble is when you set a really high target as we all have you forget that even 14lbs is a success..even if you don't see nay progress...don't give up...maintaining is half the battle (not what you want to hear I know) but lady you have done so well....realise that and own that... you do more exercise now than Im sure you have ever done in your life and look at all the other changes you have made... if you were throwing in the towel and giving up you wouldn't be so mad that you have done yet what what you wanted... who gives a shit...all that matters is that you are happy with what you have done and if you o achieve your goal(I know you will) that you got there...time scale is irrelevant...

    Keep it up, keep it going and OWN your success.... xxxxx

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