Sunday, July 28, 2013

502 - weigh in

154.2 lbs
-0.4 lbs from last week
50.1 lbs total loss

I'm really kind of at a loss.  Since I've joined the gym I've been working out so much more regularly than I had been before.  Have I really been eating so poorly that I am losing in dribs and drabs?  I had a pretty bad binge this week, one like I haven't had in a while.  I inhaled a burrito because I was starving and proceeded to inhale the better part of a bag of pretzel chips and container of sabra garlic hummus.  I felt like shit afterwards, mentally and physically.  I really couldn't tell you what set me off, but it really was no pretty.  

I've gone so far as to research Eating Disorders.  Binge Eating Disorder is newly classified but something that I have thought about myself since I was about 15.  I never went so far as to starve myself or over exercise the way someone with Anorexia Nervosa would and Bulimia Nervosa didn't fit me either but the characteristics of Binge Eating Disorder fit me to a tee.  I am obsessed about food, I am constantly worried about what's next to eat.  I can really go off the deep end about it.  Sometimes I walk out of a room where other's are and quickly stuff food into my mouth, chew and swallow in what I think is not enough time to eat something thinking that the other person won't know that I've done it, which often they don't.  I sneak around to have food and often eat so that it hurts how much I'm full.  

I've only even touched on my feeling about this before but never really the behaviors that I've had.  Food makes me feel out of control and I don't know that I have ever eaten something that I haven't stressed about in one way or another.  Even if when I seem calm and cool I have mulled over what food will be next, how much will be there, will I be able to afford as much as I want to eat, am I going to eat a shit ton compared to what every one else is having, will there be enough, are other people going to think I'm fat, will I make myself sick, will I eat too much, how much can I have and still be ok...  It isn't always such a wind fall as all that but it's there, creeping in the background.  

Even when I eat really well, it's against all that mess.  I feel the same stuff and then I add in is healthy enough, vegetarian enough, too many calories, good for me, what I want, will it make me fat (I have often not eaten specific meals because I am afraid that it alone will undo the work I've done) it really never ends.

I feel like a whiner now.  That Oh Boo Hoo for me.  I worked out 5 days this week had some binging, hardly lost weight and now I need to air all this shit out to justify or feel better about myself.  Oh well.  

This week I did have some awesome days too.  I had a workout buddy and we went to a different Planet Fitness location.  We went to the one closer to my store and it was really pretty.  We gabbed and gabbed and gabbed that our half hour on the elliptical flew by.  We did some weights and stuff too then went our separate ways.  We plan on doing it again as often as we can make work, which even if it's only once or twice a month would be a really great thing.  

Work has been really great and everyone is excited for my upcoming trip to Iceland.  I still cannot believe it, only 12 more days to go.  Not to mention N's 30th Birthday is this Friday!!  


1 comment:

  1. i totally get you with those wild thoughts that run through your head.. I'm the same and I do find that now I am eating helathier and beating the Crap food I am still doing the same thing but towards "healthy" food...I check all the time how many calories are in things and is it fattening.. the crazy thing is that I still can swing from one to the other and binge on cookies and not think about anything apart from how many can I have until i am judged.. only after do I regret it insanly and then feel mega guilt for the rest of the day. I think it's soemthing that alot of us have on here..don't stress about the binge.. I had one too this week ...but realised that my binge now was less than my usal day of food 7 months ago.. Don't forget either that muscle weighs more than fat.. why don't you take your meaurements as well and look at that alongside the sclaes..well done for staying positive though! Keep it up sweet cheeks. xx