Friday, October 11, 2013

ramblings


What a week this has been. 
Being laid up for the past few days has really left me with lots of time to think and reflect on myself and it’s been really great.  I think this is one of, if not the first time that I have been injured and immediately taken care of myself.  I should be clear thought that I only went to the doctor because N stayed home for work and helped me get there, but in the past I would not have accepted that help and I am sure I would have been worse in this situation from it.  I also took the docs advice and took my prescribed meds [muscle relaxer] in addition to ibuprofen for the pain.  I have called out of work, called out of coaching for GOTR, not gone back to Bikram and also asked for some concessions at work.  That is super out of character for me.  I think I learned that from hurting my knee, that the sooner you can take care of it the better.  Being injured doesn’t mean that you are out of the game, it just means the game has changed a little.  

I know that this week I will have gained quite a bit of weight, I’ve hardly moved but I’ve been eating like it’s going out of style.  I’m sure it’s due to a thrilling combo of being home and bored, it being the week leading up to getting my period and [something I may be totally making up] what feels like a survival instinct, go with me on this, like if I were out in the wild and injured my body would want me to stock up incase I wouldn’t be able to hunt/gather for myself for a while.  I always think that stuff I cannot quite put my finger on may be part of my/our primal brain taking over and making sure we survive, regardless of the situation, you know?

Something I don’t identify as primal so much as inner ego which can touch on a more primal/survival aspect of our brains.  Take my injuries.  As I look back over the course of my close to two year journey of getting in shape, when ever I am on the threshold of something big, something new, that’s prime time for an injury to occur.  There are *tons* of things that can be at play: age, ability level, previous injuries, arrogance and mood among other things.  One thing thought that I believe is really playing over all of them is fear of success.  I mean what else could be so powerful as to keep me at the same level for close to a year?  If I fail - I fail and yea, that would suck but not as scary as succeeding.  By succeeding I would then have to continue to do so, I would need to continue to loose weight at that exact rate and get stronger, and try bigger and scarier things.  It’s really something else.  The things you think about when you really cannot do much else.  

xoxo



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