Monday, November 18, 2013

weigh in

157.2 lbs
While I totally only worked out only once this week I really cannot see how I had close to a 3lb gain over the course of this week.  

I did work a cool million hours and primarily ate gluten free cereal, worked and slept all week, so I guess there is that.  I guess what's really hard is that part of me is behaving like I'm still actively working towards losing weight and the other part of me is not.  At all.  I am not dedicated or committed to losing or being on track but yet I still expect results like I am.  

N said to me today that if there was one thing that was eating him up on the inside that it was that I don't work out any more knowing how little effort it really does take.  That even 3 half our workouts a week can make a huge difference but that I flat out refuse to do them.  And that's my wording.  I really do refuse the work outs.  I really do fucking hate the idea of having to work out.  I know that I feel better after, blah blah blah but what has been winning for so long is not having the habit any more and the idea of having to put out the effort to work out.  I do feel like I've given op on the whole idea and then just have burst of being back in the game.  I feel it emotionally and I feel it physically.  In addition to pounds wavering back and forth I have lost a lot of muscle mass, definition and gained some more inches back to my mid section.  

Also for the record.  I need to stop pretending that I can eat what I want when I want just cause "I say so."  I had two slices of Artichoke Pizza at work today and I had no business doing so.  Like seriously.  I feel like shit now for it, I wish I'd puke so this icky feeling would go away.  

Tomorrow begins a new week, a new sleep schedule and more opportunities to start again.    

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