Wednesday, December 11, 2013

neurotic ramble and goal reevaluations

If you weren't already, I believe, running makes you neurotic.  
Today was my day off from work.  Yesterday in the mail my new flannel pants, fuzzy socks and blue moccasins came.  I recently acquired a new love seat and the most comfortable chair in the world from my lovely and generous in-laws.  When I got up this morning I had coffee, made breakfast and threw some veggies into the crockpot and my apartment was warm and smelled delicious.  I set up shop in my comfy chair with coffee and reruns of The Good Guys.  Everything in my world was warm and wonderful.  Then a series of events happened: The sun came in strikingly thought my living room weather, I checked the weather on my iPad to find that it was 24 degrees outside and when I went to refill my coffee I saw that it wasn't snowing and there appeared to be no wind.  As I finished my coffee, I began to move quickly like the moment may get away from me, my heart started to flutter.  I checked to see what time the sun would go down, 4:33pm, I had an hour.  I quickly dressed into a tank top, 2 long sleeve shirts, a zip up, 3/4 length pants and a buff over my ears.  I threw running keys, headphones and tiny wallet into my pockets and checked one more time the best place to enter the park to get in three miles before the sun went down.  I was out the door before I really considered what I had just agreed to.  I found myself on the F train in moments.  When I caught sight of myself in the reflection of the window of the train I felt like myself, like I was doing something I was supposed to be doing.  I was anxious, scared.  What if I could hardly run?  What if I fell?  What if it got to dark or colder than I was dressed for?  What if I was too hot?  So many things ran though my head and my stomach even started to hurt.  

I came above ground and got into the park.  Phone out, app on and I was on the move.  Walking at first and then running.  Down the first hill in the park from the 15th street entrance.  I was cold.  I was terrified of falling.  I ran anyway.  I was running to fast, a pace I could never maintain, but what if I did?  I adjusted, got music on, adjusted more.  Ran.  Walked.  Kept moving.  There was no one on the road.  There were kids and families on the small hills sledding.  I saw only other runners on the loop, the only other people crazy enough to be out there.  When I was walking and doubting myself I remembered that I was there, out side in the 24 degree weather pushing against everything I was afraid of for no other reason then I wanted to run.  I wanted out.  I jogged more and walked more.  At times I was hardly moving my feet the road was so slippery and my fear took over.  I came out of the cut through, went up the hill and clocked 3.17 miles at 42 minutes.  My first run of December.  My first run on my own terms in a long time.  The first time I've run in close to a year because I just had to be outside running.  Running is my invisible 


I've been doing lots of reading lately at my new favorite website for fitness,  It's really helped get me back in to the right mindset about fitness and being healthy.  After reading their latest article How to Build The Perfect Body: A Discussion on Body Image and most of the article and video links attached in it I have seen where a big short coming of mine has been.  I've touched on wanting to move away from weigh ins but really couldn't get how that wouldn't be more hurtful.  What I've seen though these articles is that I have focused so much on a physical thing, how I look and what I weight, that I haven't been able to affect either of them.  They aren't things really worth working towards.  I'm really inspired by Staci from Nerd Fitness and the way she lifts heavy as a passion.  I don't know that lifting heavy is it for me but I know that I have other bigger goals that I want to work towards.  First being the 5k on New Year's Eve.  The race starts at 11:15pm I want to be at the finish like as the fireworks are going off or sooner.  Endurance.  I want to work up my endurance and this is a way to work towards that.  In the coming year I'll be working towards greater distances and more variety.  I want to take different kinds of classes, non-traditional classes.  Burlesque, Pole, Ballet, Ariel.  I want to get stronger and let the running come naturally.  Most importantly I will be getting my knee taken care of.  If I have to I will go back to PT, have another MRI and get orthotics.  I cannot have it be that this injury hold me back one more day. 


I missed yesterday.  Ugh.  I'm setting a reminder in my phone so I cannot just oops forget again.  It's really just silly.

Lastly though it is weight based I have another goal.  My last weigh in of last year was at 159.4 lbs and I'm currently at 161.6 lbs.  If I work hard and stay on track I can have this be my first calendar year of a maintained weight.  That will have me at close to two years without gaining any weight.  That will be a huge accomplishment.  


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