Sunday, October 26, 2014

957

Sometime you just get that feeling like things need to change.  You don't really know what that means  but you can feel that you cannot just keep running in the same cycle over and over again.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

lessons learned

Things I've learned today from my garden:

  • You're seldom too tired to do the things you love.
  • It's better to take a break when you're tired than to do a half ass job that you'll regret later.  
  • Taking care of something other than yourself can give you the space you need to take care of yourself.
  • Patients is key.  Even if things do not go the way you want giving things time to run their course is worth it.

     Two weeks ago I did something I have been saying for ages that I was going to try.  I wanted to infuse vodka.  I was given such a great opportunity with the garden and used fresh mint from my own garden to infuse it.  I packed in a handful of fresh picked and washed leaves and stuck it in a corner where I couldn't see it.  I set a reminder on my phone and waited.  Today the alarm went off and I was so excited to try my mint vodka.  I popped some ice in a glass, strained out the leaves from the bottle and poured some of the vaguely green liquid into my glass.  I took a sip and ::BLERGUH:: that shit was disgusting.  It was worse than I could have ever expected.  Worse than mouth wash.  Oh man.  OK.  Back to the drawing board.  I'm going to do some research and then get back to it, possibly with some basil.  


Sunday, June 22, 2014

the move

I have to say I feel like a total fraud for even coming back and writing one single word.  My life is different now from when I was keeping this blog originally and I don't think I have yet forgiven my self or given myself the permission to write anything, just anything.

My well-being is a different story than it used to be.  I was very driven, very hard core and there was no freedom.  I was happy with my body, so happy with my body but it was a lifestyle I could not maintain.  What I want now is to maintain.  Maintain life. And there is so much more to life than losing weight and working out and watching everything I eat.  What I want now, what I need more now than ever is balance.  I need to not let myself fall into the place where all I can do or think about it working more hours and making more money or working out so much and agonizing over my food that I cannot go out with friends.  Balance.

June 1st I moved.  I moved from an apartment that I'd lived in for 4 years with N, our first home together, the longest I've lived in one place since moving to NYC.  From Boerum Hill to Park Slope.  I moved in with friends.  I acquired roommates, MB & SB, two of the loveliest people that I have had the pleasure of being friends with.  They challenged my way of thinking, that when you're married you live alone and that's that.  I moved in with friends and in the past 22 days, I have had more fun, had fewer bouts of depression and am way less lazy.

One of the largest contributors to this has been all there is to do in our new place.  We have SO MUCH SPACE we have no idea what to do with it all.  We're still getting moved in and working out all of the space.

What I have fallen in love with the most is the outdoor space we have.  There's a garden here.  If I was smart I would have taken a before picture.  It was all over grown and out of control.  It's still like that in some places, but not everywhere.  I've got flowers and edibles.  I'm kind of obsessed.  There is also a bench along the front of our place that I have been refinishing.

It feels so good to throw myself into something besides recovery and work.  I think I'm in a better place mentally lately.  There are still lots of lows that are hard to work out of but my love for the garden and this new place really help occupy my otherwise.

 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Wednesday night

Got in a small jog. More like a fast walk. The voices inside were so strong tonight. The you cant's & this hurts and you're fat and heavy and a failure were loud and clear. 

What breaks my heart more and makes me feel worse is the sadness it creates in N. He loves me so much an wants so much for me and I'm just so hateful with myself. 


Monday, May 5, 2014

What do I do?

Writing is still really hard and not because I don't have anything to say.  What makes it hard is that there is so much I cannot say.  Everything in my life right now relates to my accident, the injury, recovery and treatment and I cannot talk about any of it because of legal stuff.  

Things are still slow but other things are fast.
Some is easy and other things are so fucking hard.
My friends, family & coworkers are the most amazing people on the planet.


What do you think?  Should I just close down shop until I can say anything?
I really don't know what else to talk about or how to really communicate everything I want to.


In regards to the blog and my healthy journey I often feel at a total loss.


Friday, April 18, 2014

Late night thoughts

It has been a real whirlwind being back at work. It feels good. I like feeling like I know what I am doing with any given moment and that I have outcomes to work toward. I have been extremely exhausted and am sure tomorrow will be no different. In addition to another opener, it's a full shift. Plus side? It's Saturday. Taco Truck day! 

I haven't don't any workin' out since last I said. But I did just find a few more things on Pinterest that are small, easy and don't involve hands and arms which is a plus. 

Also, I have to say I'm really liking having not weighed in and the idea of not weighing in this week either. I feel less fear, dread, panic and shame. I dig that a lot. I'm toying with a monthly weigh in to keep an eye on where I'm at. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

765

A mini work out this morning was exactly what I needed to get my self started for today and feeling good.  My schedule is packed today and it feels good to have been able to work out and put on make up before leaving the house.  I'm sore from the 10 squats I did yesterday so I did 10 more today.  This evening I should stretch and maybe try to meditate or do some breathing exercises, my anxiety has been though the roof.  There are lots of changes going on in life right now so finding a way to get centered is key.

xoxo

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

a day alone

I couldn't be more thankful for the fact that my schedule at work is light.  I seem to be on about every other day so I can really ease myself back into the swing of things.  My fab OT (Occupational Therapist) is confident that I'm doing well and that going back is the right thing to do.  I'm still trepidatious about being back, but I think it's really going to take some time.

With my day off I did nothing, watched part of season 7 of Criminal Minds.  I can really feel my weight in my body if that makes any sense.  I feel like I can actually feel the weight that I put back on.  I feel it in my stomach and in my face.  I tried on a bunch of clothes yesterday and so much doesn't fit anymore, it feels awful.

Other than the work at OT I have been completely sedentary, and we all know how much my body loves that.  My body is changing fast and I am working on catching up mentally still.

----

After a hysterical crying fit I now know that the explosions that I was hearing were some random fireworks.  Let me tell you friends, I was moments away from getting under my desk.  I am still a bit of a wreck.  NYC OEM sent out like a single tweet that there would be fireworks tonight but that went out about nine hours ago.  Yikes.

Monday, April 14, 2014

1st day back

I don't really know how to explain it. Part of me felt like an outsider. Part of me really felt like I never left. I got a ton of hugs and made so many people smile just by being there. Most didn't know why I'd been gone for so long. 

I really loved the "like riding a bike" moments where the info I needed just came to me. Sometimes they made me sad, because wouldn't it be great to have been gone for so long and forgotten the right way to do a return?  

Everyone was so supportive, which for me has almost always been the case. I feel like it's one of those things that I put out and get back from the universe. When you need me, I'm so there. The world often lines up that I get the like in return. 

Today was no where near as stressful as I thought it may be, but I did spend most of my shift stressed out. It's really crazy the things we put ourselves through. I saw so many people today that I loved, like truly care about but was a little afraid to show them. I welcomed every hug and would have given a million more. 

What I struggle with in this position is the tear between loving the people, loving the work, loving the environment but not caring for the job and feeling like a failure for being 30 and working in retail. 

I know I want more from life but I really don't know what. I don't feel like what I do for a living needs to define who I am but at the same time  I feel like it does. What else to I really do with my life? What else could I do with my life? 

Knowing that there is no where to get is key. There isn't a job, an amount of money, a specific weight or a single circumstance that could make me happy. The only thing that can make me happy is me saying so. 

Being myself in this moment, in any given moment, is all I can do. Since the accident I have been through the wringer emotionally and physically. I'm quietly crying on the three train for the second time today. I often forget how strong I am. More importantly I forget that the crying, the fear, the anxiety, the elation, the confusion and my readiness to share those parts of myself are what give me strength. Of course I'm an emotional wreck! What else would I be right now? It's amazing that I'm getting to experience all of this. It's so amazing that I know so much love and support. 

Part of going to work today was like getting to see family, a really big dysfunctional family that I fucking love. Part of being so scared was that moment if being afraid that maybe your family doesn't love you the way you love them. Thinking that because you work in retail for Conglomo Inc that there isn't humanity there, but there is. There is so much love there. 

I learned so much from going back to work today. I've learned so much over the past 4 months and I hope to learn more everyday. I hope I fine more and more compassion for myself and take it all one day at a time. 
Rt

Here we go....


Today is one of those days where I feel like I cannot seem to keep the panic at bay. The day started as many have in the past few months, with Occupational Therapy. The time I spent there this morning was the only time so far today I felt sane, it was routine, the new normal. For the rest of the day I've felt panic and anxiety building up inside. Returning to work today has me feeling as if the past four months of my life are null. So much has changed since December 11th but now on the 3 train with my badge, lunch and blue shirt tucked into my Star Wars bag it's like nothing ever happened. 

I told Mo that what I was dealing with the most is that after an accident like this your life is supposed to change, you're supposed to give up your mundane life and begin to follow your passions. Start a business, learn a language, find and persue that dream you've always known that you have. 

I've done none of that and returning to work today has me feeling that the things I have accomplished over the past 4 months are so small. 

Increasingly over the past few weeks I have become aware of the amount of weight I've put on and the inches that have crept back. My clothes don't comfortably fit any more and there are articles, mostly pants and shorts, that will take months of work to fit into again. I've felt more and more like I've failed myself by letting myself slip so far. 

I consciencely chose to not get on a scale today making this the first week in over 2 years that I have not stepped onto a scale. I refuse to torture myself any longer. While I fully logically understand that my worth is not tied to the number that reads out from the scale I am not emotionally capable of handling it right now. 

My mind seems to have gone blank.  15 minutes until my shift begins. 

When everything changes at the same time, how do you recognize the norm? 

Stay tuned lovelies. I have so much more to say. 

Thank you Zub for helping me relocate my voice. 

xoxo

Monday, February 24, 2014

169.8

two lbs up again this week was a hard thing to see.  Weight comes back to me so quickly.  I don't really know how to keep the positive outlook up, the body positive vibe flowing when I put weight on so quickly.  Frankly I am also sick of writing in my blog and telling everyone how much I weigh every week.  Why is that anyone else's business?  

I have positive things that I want to say and things I want to do this week but I'm mostly just mad.  I get that I am not working out. But I am no where near as sedentary as I was when I first broke my arm so I am pissed that weight just piles on so fast.  I have been out of the house almost every day this week.  Do other people put on weight this quickly?  I'm really at a what the fuck point right now.  I am not motivated, I'm only angry.  I don't want to get as heavy as I was before but I cannot believe how fast the weight comes on and how slowly it comes off.  I eat good food, I'm a vegetarian, I don't eat a ton of processed food but still I gain weight like a lazy ass.  If I ate fast food and sat around all day I'd totally get it.

And I fully understand calories in - calories out but I cannot create a greater deficit in calories.  I would be skipping meals and then not eating while I was hungry and that doesn't work either.  Most exercise is out right now in this stage of the recovery game.  I'm just really frustrated right now.  I want to run again.  I want to be active but there is only so much in my control. 

I'm sick of this blog.  I'm sick of people reading this and thinking they know me and what I'm going thought.  That because they saw it written here it's like they have inside knowledge on me.  Why don't you all keep a blog?  Write for anyone in the world to see then come at you and talk to you like they can relate.  I write about highs and lows.  I stop writing and start writing.  Why the fuck does it even matter?  Do you gain something from it, do I?  I don't think I do anymore.  Anymore all it feels like is an obligation.  Something that someone else can hold over my head and say you didn't do that.   Say oh you lost so much weight and then you put all that shit right back on when you got tired, when you felt beaten and too afraid to keep up, when you got hit by a car.  Why does my weight and health have to be such a stupid struggle.  I have been fighting this fight since before high school, probably since elementary school and I am just so tired of it.  Of being 30 and not knowing how to take care of myself 100% of the time and having others claim that they know what's best and what will make the difference for me.  Even when I was actively loosing weight I knew this was always going to be an uphill battle that there would never be a time that my weight was "under control." 

I'm fat. I'm different.  I'm not like other people.  You don't understand.  Those are all the things that are just running rampant through my mind right now.  You can't spell. You aren't smart.  You have to start all over again.  Like all the fuck over again.  I want to go some place where no one knows me and just have a fresh start with this weight loss.  I am at a point of wanting to loose weight not because I love my body but because I don't love it.  

weighing in every week really doesn't feel right to me.  every week for two years.  and now my overall weight loss is in like the 30s because of everything I put back on.  that doesn't jazz me up, it doesn't make me want to fight harder.  it makes me want to throw in the towel and do nothing.  I've felt so much happier in life lately except for my weight and my body.  clothes are starting to not fit again but now because they are too small.  I don't want to go back to the plus size and maternity clothes that I was buying at one point.  

right now i feel lost.  right now i feel like a new beginning is coming and I'm scared.  

xoxo

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Last week

Last week I didn't weigh in until Monday as N & I stayed with friends in a different hood of Brooklyn where we created Pal-entines Day!  We had an absolute blast. 

I was up 2 lbs last week and will be up again this week with no working out and starting my period. 

I'm not really interested in writing while there isn't anything going on. I'm in PT 3 times a week and not supposed to be in the gym so I'm spending a lot of time doing nothing. Maybe when there's more to talk about I'll write. For a while now, though I've had moments of wanting more, I've been less and less interested in continuing to write in this blog. The thought gets overwhelming. One day at a time. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Turning thirty is the best!

My birthday fell on a Thursday this year and was kept fairly low key since the party would be Saturday.  N and I had dinner at a sushi place near by that was really nice.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

165.4 and so much love

What a week it has been! On Thursday I turned 30 and I have been out more this week then any other time since the accident. Healing is a slow process but I know that my body is doing what it's designed to do. I'm so in love with the science behind the healing process and even more so in love with who I've let myself and those around me be. I've given my self and others incredible room to be really incredible loving and full humans. 

Yesterday I spent a relaxing and adventurous and classy day with some really outstanding, talented and brilliant people. I have seldom expirienced more love in one day then I did yesterday, it pulled a close 2nd to the day I got married. 

I'll post tomorrow with the details and photos. 

Know that I love you, am thankful for every moment and am exited to continue my journey with you. 

xoxo

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

thoughts & videos on body image

As I've been spending tons of time home alone since I broke my wrist I've had so much time to catch up on shows, watch [and devour] new ones and spend a lot of time YouTube.  

Sunday, January 26, 2014

163.8

Glad to see something other than a gain. I've been doing a little better mood wise.

I was tracking food though myfitness pal and was really digging it but then it became really more trouble than it was worth.  Everything I was eating was home made so I had to add in all the ingredients one by one, add serving size and then track how much of it I ate.  It took SO LONG.  What I need is really just a food journal so I can jot down what I am eating, but electronic.

Tomorrow is a big day, my cast is finally coming off.  I'm really excited!

Also, I have a new post over at 204 Eats, my recipe for Green Tea Cupcakes, go check it out and let me know what you think.

xoxo

Thursday, January 23, 2014

164.4

It was a bummer and a blessing to see that my weight was the same this week.  I did get on the scale last Sunday, I just never posted.  Guess I've just been in a real funk about everything.

Monday, January 13, 2014

164.4 & depression

It looks like the sedentary nature of the last month has caught up. I'm up about 4 lbs. over the course of the month. 

While I am not as concerned with my weight, as a number, as I once was it is a good indicator of what's going on. While I've done next to nothing, healing is still exhausting. I'm tired a lot, eat foods I don't normally eat and my mood is rockey. I got logged back into my MyFitnessPal account after I saw MB using here's at her party last night. It looked super easy & unobtrusive which are things I really like. I'll give it a shot and hopefully it'll make some difference. 

As for my mood it really does have it's ups and downs these days. Whenever I've been out of or with out work for an extended period of time I know I can get cranky and depressed but this feels different. Today was the first day in a month that I actually wanted to get out of my apartment in my own. I have been, up to this point, unwilling to leave my apartment alone. Crossing some streets still triggers me into tears. Other things trigger me too. I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes when my mom got cut off mid call because her phone died. I was convinced something terrible happened and could hardly stop crying even after we spoke. I tried watching a new TV show and couldn't take the violence. And this was a show that I would probably normally have liked but it was too much. Too much blatant disregard for life and trauma. I was struck to the core.  I watched to the end of the episode because I thought I could "make it."  

It's a combo of so much right now. I feel like I have this while new outlook on life. I know I've got PTSD and possibly some depression going on. I know I need to get therapy but right now I just want to sit on my couch rapped in a blanket with my arm up and just get better, be me again. 

I'm taking it all one day at a time and hope you can too. I am going to get the help I need but in my own time so please don't get angry with me or lecture me on what I need to do. 

The best support right now is being in touch with me. Call, text, email, Facebook message, come over. More then I have known it before I know that I cannot do this being alone. We don't have to talk about what happened or what I'm dealing with, it's just really helpful to actually hear from the people who love you not just "knowing" that they love and support you. 

I love you lovely humans. 


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

160.8 lbs & learning

Weight balanced out this week now that my period is about over. It's really awesome that my body just sorts it self out. 

While it's sucked having this broken wrist it's really been amazing watching my body sort itself out. It just continues to heal. My latest discovery in healing is that the fingernails on my left hand have not grown AT ALL since last week but the ones on my right hand have. It's so crazy! My body is like "sorry fingernails I need to send all those nutrients & protien someplace else, we healing over here." I just think that's miraculous. I've done minimal research on the matter but hope to learn more. 

I've done so much active learning since the accident. N and I have spent hours, days even, on YouTube consuming knowledge. Crash Couse, Sci Show Veritasium, Vsauce (one, two & three,) Brain Scoop, The PBS Idea Channel and so many others. 

I never thought I'd be someone who actively saught knowledge this way. I've always been curious and loved learning new things but over the past few months (this last one specifically) I've be really active in gathering knowledge. Science, physics, math, public health, literature, biology, really anything. You name it. 

Long way around to a question. What are you an expert in, what do you love? Science, maths, music, comics, history (world, art, natural, etc,) photography, yarn, ice I don't care. In addition to getting to know my friends & family better I want to know more about what they know and love. Message me or leave a comment about what you know, love and would like to teach me about. Let's make it happen! 



Saturday, January 4, 2014

Why I shaved my head

I've gotten a lot of questions as to why I shaved my head so I wanted to explain.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Starting 2014

There are quite a few things that I want to make sure I do with my short time on this planet.  I don't have a really well thought out list of all of those things but others are really clear. As an example, it was important to me that I leave the country at least once before turning thirty. Good on me, I've left 3 times and plan on going  to many other places. Two other things in mind were getting a quarter or half sleeve tattoo and shaving my head. I did one of this things in my bathroom about 2 days ago. Good guess that it wasn't the half sleeve tattoo. 

After my accident some things seemed to get really clear and others wilted away from the column of things that matter. One of the items that slipped off of the things that I concern myself list are others' views of what I [or others] should look like. I buzzed my already short hair down because it's something I have wanted to do since I was 14. I never did it because I thought that others would scoff at me and call me crazy. But now I'm not concerned with what others think or say about me.  What I am concerned with is moving down the list of "I've always wanted to do that!" Beacuse shit son, everything can change, or end, in a moment. 

Make the moments count. 

There's a lot of beauty in this world, mine included, it's time that happiness dictated it and not the imposed views of others.