Wednesday, January 29, 2014

thoughts & videos on body image

As I've been spending tons of time home alone since I broke my wrist I've had so much time to catch up on shows, watch [and devour] new ones and spend a lot of time YouTube.  

Sunday, January 26, 2014


Glad to see something other than a gain. I've been doing a little better mood wise.

I was tracking food though myfitness pal and was really digging it but then it became really more trouble than it was worth.  Everything I was eating was home made so I had to add in all the ingredients one by one, add serving size and then track how much of it I ate.  It took SO LONG.  What I need is really just a food journal so I can jot down what I am eating, but electronic.

Tomorrow is a big day, my cast is finally coming off.  I'm really excited!

Also, I have a new post over at 204 Eats, my recipe for Green Tea Cupcakes, go check it out and let me know what you think.


Thursday, January 23, 2014


It was a bummer and a blessing to see that my weight was the same this week.  I did get on the scale last Sunday, I just never posted.  Guess I've just been in a real funk about everything.

Monday, January 13, 2014

164.4 & depression

It looks like the sedentary nature of the last month has caught up. I'm up about 4 lbs. over the course of the month. 

While I am not as concerned with my weight, as a number, as I once was it is a good indicator of what's going on. While I've done next to nothing, healing is still exhausting. I'm tired a lot, eat foods I don't normally eat and my mood is rockey. I got logged back into my MyFitnessPal account after I saw MB using here's at her party last night. It looked super easy & unobtrusive which are things I really like. I'll give it a shot and hopefully it'll make some difference. 

As for my mood it really does have it's ups and downs these days. Whenever I've been out of or with out work for an extended period of time I know I can get cranky and depressed but this feels different. Today was the first day in a month that I actually wanted to get out of my apartment in my own. I have been, up to this point, unwilling to leave my apartment alone. Crossing some streets still triggers me into tears. Other things trigger me too. I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes when my mom got cut off mid call because her phone died. I was convinced something terrible happened and could hardly stop crying even after we spoke. I tried watching a new TV show and couldn't take the violence. And this was a show that I would probably normally have liked but it was too much. Too much blatant disregard for life and trauma. I was struck to the core.  I watched to the end of the episode because I thought I could "make it."  

It's a combo of so much right now. I feel like I have this while new outlook on life. I know I've got PTSD and possibly some depression going on. I know I need to get therapy but right now I just want to sit on my couch rapped in a blanket with my arm up and just get better, be me again. 

I'm taking it all one day at a time and hope you can too. I am going to get the help I need but in my own time so please don't get angry with me or lecture me on what I need to do. 

The best support right now is being in touch with me. Call, text, email, Facebook message, come over. More then I have known it before I know that I cannot do this being alone. We don't have to talk about what happened or what I'm dealing with, it's just really helpful to actually hear from the people who love you not just "knowing" that they love and support you. 

I love you lovely humans. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

160.8 lbs & learning

Weight balanced out this week now that my period is about over. It's really awesome that my body just sorts it self out. 

While it's sucked having this broken wrist it's really been amazing watching my body sort itself out. It just continues to heal. My latest discovery in healing is that the fingernails on my left hand have not grown AT ALL since last week but the ones on my right hand have. It's so crazy! My body is like "sorry fingernails I need to send all those nutrients & protien someplace else, we healing over here." I just think that's miraculous. I've done minimal research on the matter but hope to learn more. 

I've done so much active learning since the accident. N and I have spent hours, days even, on YouTube consuming knowledge. Crash Couse, Sci Show Veritasium, Vsauce (one, two & three,) Brain Scoop, The PBS Idea Channel and so many others. 

I never thought I'd be someone who actively saught knowledge this way. I've always been curious and loved learning new things but over the past few months (this last one specifically) I've be really active in gathering knowledge. Science, physics, math, public health, literature, biology, really anything. You name it. 

Long way around to a question. What are you an expert in, what do you love? Science, maths, music, comics, history (world, art, natural, etc,) photography, yarn, ice I don't care. In addition to getting to know my friends & family better I want to know more about what they know and love. Message me or leave a comment about what you know, love and would like to teach me about. Let's make it happen! 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Why I shaved my head

I've gotten a lot of questions as to why I shaved my head so I wanted to explain.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Starting 2014

There are quite a few things that I want to make sure I do with my short time on this planet.  I don't have a really well thought out list of all of those things but others are really clear. As an example, it was important to me that I leave the country at least once before turning thirty. Good on me, I've left 3 times and plan on going  to many other places. Two other things in mind were getting a quarter or half sleeve tattoo and shaving my head. I did one of this things in my bathroom about 2 days ago. Good guess that it wasn't the half sleeve tattoo. 

After my accident some things seemed to get really clear and others wilted away from the column of things that matter. One of the items that slipped off of the things that I concern myself list are others' views of what I [or others] should look like. I buzzed my already short hair down because it's something I have wanted to do since I was 14. I never did it because I thought that others would scoff at me and call me crazy. But now I'm not concerned with what others think or say about me.  What I am concerned with is moving down the list of "I've always wanted to do that!" Beacuse shit son, everything can change, or end, in a moment. 

Make the moments count. 

There's a lot of beauty in this world, mine included, it's time that happiness dictated it and not the imposed views of others.