Monday, January 13, 2014

164.4 & depression

It looks like the sedentary nature of the last month has caught up. I'm up about 4 lbs. over the course of the month. 

While I am not as concerned with my weight, as a number, as I once was it is a good indicator of what's going on. While I've done next to nothing, healing is still exhausting. I'm tired a lot, eat foods I don't normally eat and my mood is rockey. I got logged back into my MyFitnessPal account after I saw MB using here's at her party last night. It looked super easy & unobtrusive which are things I really like. I'll give it a shot and hopefully it'll make some difference. 

As for my mood it really does have it's ups and downs these days. Whenever I've been out of or with out work for an extended period of time I know I can get cranky and depressed but this feels different. Today was the first day in a month that I actually wanted to get out of my apartment in my own. I have been, up to this point, unwilling to leave my apartment alone. Crossing some streets still triggers me into tears. Other things trigger me too. I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes when my mom got cut off mid call because her phone died. I was convinced something terrible happened and could hardly stop crying even after we spoke. I tried watching a new TV show and couldn't take the violence. And this was a show that I would probably normally have liked but it was too much. Too much blatant disregard for life and trauma. I was struck to the core.  I watched to the end of the episode because I thought I could "make it."  

It's a combo of so much right now. I feel like I have this while new outlook on life. I know I've got PTSD and possibly some depression going on. I know I need to get therapy but right now I just want to sit on my couch rapped in a blanket with my arm up and just get better, be me again. 

I'm taking it all one day at a time and hope you can too. I am going to get the help I need but in my own time so please don't get angry with me or lecture me on what I need to do. 

The best support right now is being in touch with me. Call, text, email, Facebook message, come over. More then I have known it before I know that I cannot do this being alone. We don't have to talk about what happened or what I'm dealing with, it's just really helpful to actually hear from the people who love you not just "knowing" that they love and support you. 

I love you lovely humans. 


3 comments:

  1. This doesn't sound like the Denise I know...

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  2. Hey kiddo, hang in there. You will pull through this. I have known you a long time and even if things get you down you don't let it last for long. I love you, I am here for you always remember if you need me the "Bear" is only a phone call away.

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  3. I am going to give you a lecture: be kind to yourself! You are kind hearted DB and you are going to be alright - you are a fighter. You are going to come out of this stronger. We are in a "valley" right now but it will pass. Keep your head high and be proud of how far you've come! You have a supporter in me :)

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