Monday, February 24, 2014

169.8

two lbs up again this week was a hard thing to see.  Weight comes back to me so quickly.  I don't really know how to keep the positive outlook up, the body positive vibe flowing when I put weight on so quickly.  Frankly I am also sick of writing in my blog and telling everyone how much I weigh every week.  Why is that anyone else's business?  

I have positive things that I want to say and things I want to do this week but I'm mostly just mad.  I get that I am not working out. But I am no where near as sedentary as I was when I first broke my arm so I am pissed that weight just piles on so fast.  I have been out of the house almost every day this week.  Do other people put on weight this quickly?  I'm really at a what the fuck point right now.  I am not motivated, I'm only angry.  I don't want to get as heavy as I was before but I cannot believe how fast the weight comes on and how slowly it comes off.  I eat good food, I'm a vegetarian, I don't eat a ton of processed food but still I gain weight like a lazy ass.  If I ate fast food and sat around all day I'd totally get it.

And I fully understand calories in - calories out but I cannot create a greater deficit in calories.  I would be skipping meals and then not eating while I was hungry and that doesn't work either.  Most exercise is out right now in this stage of the recovery game.  I'm just really frustrated right now.  I want to run again.  I want to be active but there is only so much in my control. 

I'm sick of this blog.  I'm sick of people reading this and thinking they know me and what I'm going thought.  That because they saw it written here it's like they have inside knowledge on me.  Why don't you all keep a blog?  Write for anyone in the world to see then come at you and talk to you like they can relate.  I write about highs and lows.  I stop writing and start writing.  Why the fuck does it even matter?  Do you gain something from it, do I?  I don't think I do anymore.  Anymore all it feels like is an obligation.  Something that someone else can hold over my head and say you didn't do that.   Say oh you lost so much weight and then you put all that shit right back on when you got tired, when you felt beaten and too afraid to keep up, when you got hit by a car.  Why does my weight and health have to be such a stupid struggle.  I have been fighting this fight since before high school, probably since elementary school and I am just so tired of it.  Of being 30 and not knowing how to take care of myself 100% of the time and having others claim that they know what's best and what will make the difference for me.  Even when I was actively loosing weight I knew this was always going to be an uphill battle that there would never be a time that my weight was "under control." 

I'm fat. I'm different.  I'm not like other people.  You don't understand.  Those are all the things that are just running rampant through my mind right now.  You can't spell. You aren't smart.  You have to start all over again.  Like all the fuck over again.  I want to go some place where no one knows me and just have a fresh start with this weight loss.  I am at a point of wanting to loose weight not because I love my body but because I don't love it.  

weighing in every week really doesn't feel right to me.  every week for two years.  and now my overall weight loss is in like the 30s because of everything I put back on.  that doesn't jazz me up, it doesn't make me want to fight harder.  it makes me want to throw in the towel and do nothing.  I've felt so much happier in life lately except for my weight and my body.  clothes are starting to not fit again but now because they are too small.  I don't want to go back to the plus size and maternity clothes that I was buying at one point.  

right now i feel lost.  right now i feel like a new beginning is coming and I'm scared.  

xoxo

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