Friday, April 18, 2014

Late night thoughts

It has been a real whirlwind being back at work. It feels good. I like feeling like I know what I am doing with any given moment and that I have outcomes to work toward. I have been extremely exhausted and am sure tomorrow will be no different. In addition to another opener, it's a full shift. Plus side? It's Saturday. Taco Truck day! 

I haven't don't any workin' out since last I said. But I did just find a few more things on Pinterest that are small, easy and don't involve hands and arms which is a plus. 

Also, I have to say I'm really liking having not weighed in and the idea of not weighing in this week either. I feel less fear, dread, panic and shame. I dig that a lot. I'm toying with a monthly weigh in to keep an eye on where I'm at. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


A mini work out this morning was exactly what I needed to get my self started for today and feeling good.  My schedule is packed today and it feels good to have been able to work out and put on make up before leaving the house.  I'm sore from the 10 squats I did yesterday so I did 10 more today.  This evening I should stretch and maybe try to meditate or do some breathing exercises, my anxiety has been though the roof.  There are lots of changes going on in life right now so finding a way to get centered is key.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

a day alone

I couldn't be more thankful for the fact that my schedule at work is light.  I seem to be on about every other day so I can really ease myself back into the swing of things.  My fab OT (Occupational Therapist) is confident that I'm doing well and that going back is the right thing to do.  I'm still trepidatious about being back, but I think it's really going to take some time.

With my day off I did nothing, watched part of season 7 of Criminal Minds.  I can really feel my weight in my body if that makes any sense.  I feel like I can actually feel the weight that I put back on.  I feel it in my stomach and in my face.  I tried on a bunch of clothes yesterday and so much doesn't fit anymore, it feels awful.

Other than the work at OT I have been completely sedentary, and we all know how much my body loves that.  My body is changing fast and I am working on catching up mentally still.


After a hysterical crying fit I now know that the explosions that I was hearing were some random fireworks.  Let me tell you friends, I was moments away from getting under my desk.  I am still a bit of a wreck.  NYC OEM sent out like a single tweet that there would be fireworks tonight but that went out about nine hours ago.  Yikes.

Monday, April 14, 2014

1st day back

I don't really know how to explain it. Part of me felt like an outsider. Part of me really felt like I never left. I got a ton of hugs and made so many people smile just by being there. Most didn't know why I'd been gone for so long. 

I really loved the "like riding a bike" moments where the info I needed just came to me. Sometimes they made me sad, because wouldn't it be great to have been gone for so long and forgotten the right way to do a return?  

Everyone was so supportive, which for me has almost always been the case. I feel like it's one of those things that I put out and get back from the universe. When you need me, I'm so there. The world often lines up that I get the like in return. 

Today was no where near as stressful as I thought it may be, but I did spend most of my shift stressed out. It's really crazy the things we put ourselves through. I saw so many people today that I loved, like truly care about but was a little afraid to show them. I welcomed every hug and would have given a million more. 

What I struggle with in this position is the tear between loving the people, loving the work, loving the environment but not caring for the job and feeling like a failure for being 30 and working in retail. 

I know I want more from life but I really don't know what. I don't feel like what I do for a living needs to define who I am but at the same time  I feel like it does. What else to I really do with my life? What else could I do with my life? 

Knowing that there is no where to get is key. There isn't a job, an amount of money, a specific weight or a single circumstance that could make me happy. The only thing that can make me happy is me saying so. 

Being myself in this moment, in any given moment, is all I can do. Since the accident I have been through the wringer emotionally and physically. I'm quietly crying on the three train for the second time today. I often forget how strong I am. More importantly I forget that the crying, the fear, the anxiety, the elation, the confusion and my readiness to share those parts of myself are what give me strength. Of course I'm an emotional wreck! What else would I be right now? It's amazing that I'm getting to experience all of this. It's so amazing that I know so much love and support. 

Part of going to work today was like getting to see family, a really big dysfunctional family that I fucking love. Part of being so scared was that moment if being afraid that maybe your family doesn't love you the way you love them. Thinking that because you work in retail for Conglomo Inc that there isn't humanity there, but there is. There is so much love there. 

I learned so much from going back to work today. I've learned so much over the past 4 months and I hope to learn more everyday. I hope I fine more and more compassion for myself and take it all one day at a time. 

Here we go....

Today is one of those days where I feel like I cannot seem to keep the panic at bay. The day started as many have in the past few months, with Occupational Therapy. The time I spent there this morning was the only time so far today I felt sane, it was routine, the new normal. For the rest of the day I've felt panic and anxiety building up inside. Returning to work today has me feeling as if the past four months of my life are null. So much has changed since December 11th but now on the 3 train with my badge, lunch and blue shirt tucked into my Star Wars bag it's like nothing ever happened. 

I told Mo that what I was dealing with the most is that after an accident like this your life is supposed to change, you're supposed to give up your mundane life and begin to follow your passions. Start a business, learn a language, find and persue that dream you've always known that you have. 

I've done none of that and returning to work today has me feeling that the things I have accomplished over the past 4 months are so small. 

Increasingly over the past few weeks I have become aware of the amount of weight I've put on and the inches that have crept back. My clothes don't comfortably fit any more and there are articles, mostly pants and shorts, that will take months of work to fit into again. I've felt more and more like I've failed myself by letting myself slip so far. 

I consciencely chose to not get on a scale today making this the first week in over 2 years that I have not stepped onto a scale. I refuse to torture myself any longer. While I fully logically understand that my worth is not tied to the number that reads out from the scale I am not emotionally capable of handling it right now. 

My mind seems to have gone blank.  15 minutes until my shift begins. 

When everything changes at the same time, how do you recognize the norm? 

Stay tuned lovelies. I have so much more to say. 

Thank you Zub for helping me relocate my voice.