Monday, April 14, 2014

1st day back

I don't really know how to explain it. Part of me felt like an outsider. Part of me really felt like I never left. I got a ton of hugs and made so many people smile just by being there. Most didn't know why I'd been gone for so long. 

I really loved the "like riding a bike" moments where the info I needed just came to me. Sometimes they made me sad, because wouldn't it be great to have been gone for so long and forgotten the right way to do a return?  

Everyone was so supportive, which for me has almost always been the case. I feel like it's one of those things that I put out and get back from the universe. When you need me, I'm so there. The world often lines up that I get the like in return. 

Today was no where near as stressful as I thought it may be, but I did spend most of my shift stressed out. It's really crazy the things we put ourselves through. I saw so many people today that I loved, like truly care about but was a little afraid to show them. I welcomed every hug and would have given a million more. 

What I struggle with in this position is the tear between loving the people, loving the work, loving the environment but not caring for the job and feeling like a failure for being 30 and working in retail. 

I know I want more from life but I really don't know what. I don't feel like what I do for a living needs to define who I am but at the same time  I feel like it does. What else to I really do with my life? What else could I do with my life? 

Knowing that there is no where to get is key. There isn't a job, an amount of money, a specific weight or a single circumstance that could make me happy. The only thing that can make me happy is me saying so. 

Being myself in this moment, in any given moment, is all I can do. Since the accident I have been through the wringer emotionally and physically. I'm quietly crying on the three train for the second time today. I often forget how strong I am. More importantly I forget that the crying, the fear, the anxiety, the elation, the confusion and my readiness to share those parts of myself are what give me strength. Of course I'm an emotional wreck! What else would I be right now? It's amazing that I'm getting to experience all of this. It's so amazing that I know so much love and support. 

Part of going to work today was like getting to see family, a really big dysfunctional family that I fucking love. Part of being so scared was that moment if being afraid that maybe your family doesn't love you the way you love them. Thinking that because you work in retail for Conglomo Inc that there isn't humanity there, but there is. There is so much love there. 

I learned so much from going back to work today. I've learned so much over the past 4 months and I hope to learn more everyday. I hope I fine more and more compassion for myself and take it all one day at a time. 

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