Monday, April 14, 2014

Here we go....


Today is one of those days where I feel like I cannot seem to keep the panic at bay. The day started as many have in the past few months, with Occupational Therapy. The time I spent there this morning was the only time so far today I felt sane, it was routine, the new normal. For the rest of the day I've felt panic and anxiety building up inside. Returning to work today has me feeling as if the past four months of my life are null. So much has changed since December 11th but now on the 3 train with my badge, lunch and blue shirt tucked into my Star Wars bag it's like nothing ever happened. 

I told Mo that what I was dealing with the most is that after an accident like this your life is supposed to change, you're supposed to give up your mundane life and begin to follow your passions. Start a business, learn a language, find and persue that dream you've always known that you have. 

I've done none of that and returning to work today has me feeling that the things I have accomplished over the past 4 months are so small. 

Increasingly over the past few weeks I have become aware of the amount of weight I've put on and the inches that have crept back. My clothes don't comfortably fit any more and there are articles, mostly pants and shorts, that will take months of work to fit into again. I've felt more and more like I've failed myself by letting myself slip so far. 

I consciencely chose to not get on a scale today making this the first week in over 2 years that I have not stepped onto a scale. I refuse to torture myself any longer. While I fully logically understand that my worth is not tied to the number that reads out from the scale I am not emotionally capable of handling it right now. 

My mind seems to have gone blank.  15 minutes until my shift begins. 

When everything changes at the same time, how do you recognize the norm? 

Stay tuned lovelies. I have so much more to say. 

Thank you Zub for helping me relocate my voice. 

xoxo

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