Sunday, October 26, 2014

957

Sometime you just get that feeling like things need to change.  You don't really know what that means  but you can feel that you cannot just keep running in the same cycle over and over again.
 I have been at complete and utter war with myself since before my accident.  It's been a painful and self deprecating time.  I can honestly say that I have been un happy deep down for the better part of this past year.  Some depression stems from the trauma of my accident some depression stems from the fact that I get depressed.  I haven't cried a lot though, which surprises me.  I actually haven't done much of anything.  I've been numb more so than anything.  When I'm not numb, I'm angry at one thing or another.  I have had great moments and days and experiences.  I've gotten closer with some friends and let other friendships fade away, which has been more liberating than I thought was possible.  I have a new found love and adoration for my husband and my family.  Now I'm crying.  When I think about my love for my family and friends and what they have done for me, not just over the course of my life, but since December I am moved to tears.  They have puller for me when I wasn't pulling for myself.

I don't know if I will ever get over the trauma of my accident, if the PTSD will ever really be gone but I'm getting so tired and so sad at living with myself as the girl who deals every day with the after effects of that one moment in time, it's exhausting and heart breaking.

I don't know that I am going to bounce right back into a life lived though exercise and running races and finding the next best thing to eat or whatever but I really need to get back to taking care of myself.  Taking care of myself in the long showers, hobbies, intimacy, fulfillment at work, and travel kind of way.  Making working out a part of a greater life and not working out is the only thing in life. If I want to create and love and travel I have to be able to do so physically, emotionally, holistically.  Therapy may be back on the table.  A place to get my head cleared out of the day to day things I fight with.

On Sex Nerd Sandra, one of my all time favorite podcasts, I learned about the Stress Response Cycle and it's effects.  This rang so loud in my ears the effects were deafening.  There were two factors to what I heard.  Once being how exercise can help you move thought the cycle because you get to run from the proverbial tiger and help complete a stress cycle.  The second factor was more profound and it's about not fully moving out of the final stage of the cycle so you are stuck or stopped and you begin to be run by your flight, flight or freeze response.  That is 100% where I am.  I experienced freeze.  I didn't run or jump or anything.  In the split second before my trauma I froze and I have been stuck there ever since.  I've beat myself up about it, which seems so crazy.  My primal brain took over and faster than the time it takes to blink my brain knew that in order to survive I needed to not move an inch and my body obliged.  Since then I have not been the same.  While though Somatic Experiencing & EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy I was able to cross the street again and lessen the symptoms of PTSD there is still a part of me that is right there, in that moment, completely frozen.  I have not felt safe since that day, not deep down in a profound way.  

The reason I spewed that all out is to really get it for myself.  I do not feel safe.  I am acutely away of the fact that it is that easy and that it would happen so fast and then, boom, that's it.  Part of that is liberating in a seize-the-day kind of way but the other part is paralyzing.  I cannot start to get better until I acknowledge how terrified I am moment to moment.  That When N and I are apart that I may never see him again, that each time I hang up the phone with my parents I shake at the thought of never hearing their voices again, at not having them with me any more.  That when ever I go to or from work, or anywhere alone, that it may be the last time I ever do anything and it just consumes me.  

When I'm with other people I am not vulnerable enough to let any of it show and it eats away at me.  As a defense mechanism I become numb to the overwhelming feelings of love, loss and nothingness, the whole what's the point of it all.  For the record I am not a risk to myself.  I realize it may sound like that to some but I am just more connected to the mortality of myself and others than really I would care to be and it is incomprehensible.  

If you're still reading at this point, I'm pretty impressed.  I started writing because there was some shit I wanted to get off my chest before I did the impossible task of walking 4 blocks to the Y to hop on the treadmill, I wanted to clear up having not written here for months.  What I realize now is that there isn't anything to apologize for.  This blog is for me, and in my life I'm going to go though a lot of bullshit and I will deal with it how I deal with it regardless of what other say or do or think is best for me.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I cannot do this wrong.  I'm scared, I don't feel safe and that's okay.  

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